How long has it been?

My resolution ... **sighs** It was a noble attempt. However, my efforts to improve the use of my time have obviously failed, since there is totally Physics I should be doing right now.

But I felt like whining instead.

So. Okay. I feel boring. Excessively so. The juniors are happy to indulge my egomania, but everybody else in my grade, shock of shocks, has other friends. They just don't get it, the way I can look at their faces and just tell that they'd rather be somewhere else. They don't understand. Every single one of them is so much more important to me than vice versa.

I mean, what am I? One person out of, say, forty-seven others equally as important to them? And, God, you know. They're one of six. How sad is that? How fucking sad is that?

**laughs** See, look. I swore - I'm not kidding.

But it's only a problem when it's one on one. As long as I can get them around someone else, they can enjoy themselves, and it'll be fine.

It'll be fine.

----- ----- -----

Allen Francis Doyle: Tell her what a great guy I am.
Angel: I barely know you.
Allen Francis Doyle: Well, perfect; that should make it easier for you, then.

- Angel: the Series

I *will* be a better person by the end of the summer.

... Don't laugh.

I have a guitar. Lovely. The only thing left is learning how to actually play it.

But then, what is summer for?

... ^^

No crew race today; our boat voted on it, and decided that we didn't want to, which is one of the glories of being part of the diplomatic, emotionally-aware girls' team. ^^

A fair slim boy not made for this world's pain,
With hair of gold thick clustering 'round his ears,
And longing eyes half-veiled by foolish tears -
Like bluest water seen through mists of rain ...

Yeah, that was random. But pretty, I think. I like it very well. Wasted Days, I think it's called.

So. 'Bout that.

The Rowathon was today, in the same building I have Becky-Chorus in. I didn't row a whole ton or anything, but I'm far enough out-of-shape to have it be hurtful. I threw up after the first ten-minute bit, but after that I was fine. It was way better than usual because Thomas was there; usually I've no one to talk to.

I lost my calculator - yes, again. It may have been stolen, true, and thus not my fault, but I'm too absentminded to say so for certain. Fact remains that I don't know where it is, and my mother is not pleased; luckily (sort of) I've gotten a bit sick again, so she can't get very angry with me.

Oyez, and going back to the topic of crew, it looks like I have yet another excuse not to take my erg test. The last few years, I've been sick; in the Year of Whooping Cough, I did take the erg test, but the results were skewed because I had a hack attack right in the middle of it. This year, I have an infinitely better reason: we're coming back from Peru the weekend right before the erg test, with minimal sleep, unpacking to do, and maybe jungle fever. No ergs for us.

In emotional news, I'm having moderate issues; when people are paying attention to me, talking with me, or generally participating in an activity with me, I'm fine. When they aren't, weird stuff starts happening in my head. Usually, I end up feeling like crying, or I start thinking about getting killed. It's really odd. **shakes head** Can we spell attention-w****? (Evidently not, not without the asterisks.)

I think part of it has to do with the fact that I just can't imagine my life continuing in any sort of realistic way. I can see myself going to college, sort of (don't know which one, y'see), and I can see myself getting out of college and spending a summer lazing around, and then ... That's where the realm of possibility ends.

So, hopefully, I can figure out some way to die before then, yeah?

Wow. It's been a while, ain't it?

I don't really know why I seem to be stuck so often with so little to say. It used to be because nothing interesting ever happened to me; I have no "life", in the social sense, and strictly speaking, that's still pretty true.

There's a new dimension now, though. Things *do* happen to me. And mostly happy things, I'm proud to say. But most of this stuff is little; it's tiny moment-by-moment events that are really, really hard to put down into a journal like this.

So. Every day since the last post has been pretty good, I think. Ups, downs; nothing you want to hear about, I'm sure.

Toodle pip!

The peace, the quiet, the almost-contentment. Feh. Shouldn't have gotten so attached to it.

Of course, it's entirely possible that this whole thing could be completely ignored, could just kind of vanish like so many things seem to do. God only knows whether they actually get buried, or pile up and fester. And God knows I don't really want to find out, too.

Okay, so - on the one hand: What, Yumi couldn't have called the office in the morning to tell them she'd be out? Or e-mailed Donna any time during the day to let her know and apologize? Or at least *tried* to come in and get through at least her part of the presentation with a sore throat or whatever? I mean, sickness is acceptable, and battery-dead cordless phones are a roadblock, but it was her only exam, man. Sleep, in, get it done, out, more sleep. It's not too hard.

On the other hand: Okay, sure, it was sucky of Yumi to not let anybody know that she was sick, or know about whatever happened. And maybe Sonia should have tried calling more than once, so Yumi could dump the dead cordless for another phone. But it's a single high school midterm. In the grand scheme of Life and Unforgivable Crimes, it's kinda small potatoes. Bad to end a four-year friendship over a midterm, for chrissakes.

I see both sides. It's a curse.

I was forced to make a last-minute topic switch on the English paper, because I realized that I had no idea how to structure it. The original idea was "dichotomies in self-image: public vs. private" - that was the one I couldn't structure properly. I wanted to switch to "unrequited love and its role in love triangles", but Meredith's doing that one. I'm wibbling over it, still, but I'm mostly settled on the role of idealized women, and their illusory perfection.

Whee. -_-

And all this, when what I really want to do is trace Jiia onto a clean sheet of paper, and try to ink her in. Feh. Oh, yes, and Ginny left for Clark today, after her freaking month of holiday vacation. Is it just me, or does college sound easy? Mmmrrrgh.

Scanner came! Two days early, too. **dances** Yeeeheehee. My pretty.

Um. Right. So. Got myself a DA account, even though I'm too chicken to put anything up - seeing all the wonderful stuff on there really makes me feel stupid. But that's okay, because in comparison, I sort of am. No, this is not some humble plea for compliments. Really. I mean, you look at some of the stuff GoldSeven or blackeri have up, and you suddenly feel like a moron for thinking anybody would care about Jiia.

No offense to Jiia.

Anyway, I spent ages and ages trying to find myself a username, and finally decided on a shortened version of the name of the Sumerian "Mistress of Heaven and Earth" - 'cos I'm humble like that ^^ (just thought it was pretty, actually). Turns out it's also the name of the Russian or German version of chess. **shrugs** Maybe I'll go with the "Lady of Beer" next time (I think her real title is meant to be something like "goddess of drink and refreshment", but the person who wrote up the Sumerian dictionary obviously has a sense of humor).

Yup. So. Must write English paper. Toodles.

Life is on such an up right now.

- Had a fantabulous time with Sarah the other day, eating ice cream and babbling, and she's going to My Fair Lady with us tomorrow.
- Everybody's presents are done (well, not quite; I still have a New Year's/birthday thing for Merry that I haven't done yet, but I don't think it'll take too long).
- Yumi has a DA account, which link I shall be adding to the side section momentarily.
- Scanners only cost forty bucks! Well, the "only" is relative to the hundred or so I was figuring on.

And, bestbestbestbestBEST of all:

- I. Found. My. SKETCHBOOK.

**squees**

I'd be bouncing properly, but it's past my bedtime. ^^